October 3rd 2008, A New Plan

I was delighted after my 4th chemo to feel so good. I felt "normal". Until the 5th day. On the 5th day the palms of my hands became sensitive and by yesterday(day 8) they felt like they were on fire and hyper sensitive. Everything I did caused searing pain.

I was anxious to see Dr. Kato this morning. He answered lots of questions. He gave me some cream for my hands which has already helped. He said this needs to be cleared up before I start my new Taxol treatments. I've finished the drug that caused this problem so it should be cleared up by then. I keep reminding myself this is small potatoes but this one got me down. He also told me the "sugar feeds cancer" hype is a myth. So I'm going to cave into my ice cream craving.

I'm cranky today. I allow myself this. Now for the big question which preceded his good and bad answer. "So, Dr. Kato, Dr. Corn says if she can't see any cancer when she does my surgery and three or less lymph nodes show cancer, she can't see any reason for radiation. Do you agree?" He hesitates before answering. I think he's measuring his thoughts before speaking, not wanting to show disrespect for Dr. Corn's comments but I see it in the shadow that crosses his face. "What you have is curable," he says. "We've reduced your cancer with the chemo. You'll have surgery and then we'll complete your chemo as a cleanup. The chemo has treated your cancer locally but it's also moving throughout your body preventing it from metasticizing anywhere else. The radiation is local and will eliminate any remaining microscopic localized cancer. Then your done and have little concern about it ever returning. Let's do everything we can to end your cancer experience once and for all." So the bad news is I don't get to skip radiation but the good news is I can expect to be cured. So why am I crying? So many emotions.

Last night I kicked the covers off in a hotflash. A few moments later I awoke shivering but my hands were on fire. I reached down to pull up the comforter which set me tailspinning into shafts of pain radiating from both hands. I felt my husband's hand lovingly squeeze the achilles tendon of my left foot through the covers. I looked up but no one was there. My husband was sound asleep facing away from me. "Lord?" I silently asked and knew He was with me. I remember reading John Piper's '90 Minutes in Heaven'. He was trapped in the wreckage of his car and later thanked a man for holding his hand while he waited to be extracted. The man told him he hadn't, it hadn't even been possible. John knew then who'd held his hand and I know who visited me last night. I am humbled.

I'm anemic so Dr. Kato gave me a shot of Procrit - another miracle drug. Did I tell you? Did you know that the chemo drugs are derivatives of natural plants, mushrooms and trees? Taxol is made from the bark of the California Yew tree. Good of God to provide even this necessary poison.

My surgery is scheduled for October 29th so I have a few weeks to prepare mentally, feast on the Word for fortification.

If my writing seems sort of random - blame it on brain fog. I do.

Thank you for your prayers.