February 14, 2009 From the Chair

Last chemo-welcome words. Has it really been six months since I started? The interruption of surgery stretched it out making it seem like forever. I'm not sure how I feel. I'm glad it's coming to an end and even happier that it has worked so effectively. I know I'm repeating myself but I'm so very grateful for these treatments. I think about the current health care proposals and what the changes might have meant for me. I worry about what it will mean for future patients.

Dr. Kato has granted me a reprieve from the Neulasta shot - the culprit guilty of more than just bone pain. There is also the possibility of heart damage. The high pulse and intense hot flashing are a few of the others. Anyway, the main reason for taking it was to keep my immune system up so I would make it to the next chemo and since this is my last I can forgo it. I just need to be extra cautious about crowds this week. I'm without protection.


I overhear patients share war stories, comparing exhaustion and nausea levels and I marvel that I've had none of it. I hear them discussing how long they've been battling their illness and here I'm expecting to finish up and walk away. One woman is asking each patient their story. The stories are horrible. I keep my nose in a book so she won't ask me. I feel guilty that my story has happy ending and then I think, but there are no guarantees.

I've learned so much about life, about myself. I've especially learned of God's faithfulness in our trials. Amazing! Some of what I've learned:

My imagination greatly exceeds reality.

God is closest in the valleys.

His Peace is Vast.

I cannot live without Hope

My faith is deep and wide.

My church ministers Christ's love in word and deed.

My husband really loves me. He really loves taking care of me. He works tirelessly for me, for us. My love for him is deeper and more comfortable than ever.

My son's voice makes me smile. His prayer requests make me feel useful. There's a connection in our passion for Truth.

All prayer requests keep me useful.

My God-honoring daughter ministers soul comfort to me like no other. I know it's mutual. We are Mama Yama and Little Yama(thanks Josiah!) forever.

My mother loves me sacrificially. She is my mommy in my suffering. I feel at home in her presence.

My sister is a thoughtful gift-giver. She's upbeat, fun and loving. Our bond reaches from our childhood.

My brother is a precious, battle-tested encourager. We are united in our quest to know God better. We have a deep respect for one another.

My cousin is still my eternal sister. We are reunited in the love of our childhood. I cry tears of joy for her.

I have strengthened relationships with three of our step daughters - praise God they all trust in our Lord and we have shared prayers for each other.

My real estate team is a rock of loving support and loyalty.
We are a family of believers bearing one another's burdens, trusting God in all things.

My family of friends, old and new is vast and so dear to me. Encouragers all. I'm shocked at their numbers and feel wealthy beyond measure. Many many are new or renewed.

There are a few special warriors who've done battle with me in the trenches. They humble and strengthen me. They've taught me the power of a praying army.

Many are suffering far worse than I. I will not complain.

Trials produce opportunities.
This is engraved now in my soul.

My Blackberry makes a handy journal.

I love to write. It crystallizes my thoughts and records my life lessons.

One month before I was diagnosed, I asked God to humble me and give me a heart of compassion. He has graciously, tenderly given me just that.

October 7th 2008, Random thoughts

If you saw the movie The Perfect Storm, you'll remember how many conditions were met to cause one moment in time where a terrible and powerful storm gathered over the North Atlantic. Everything was in the timing.

I truly believe God has healed me through the hands of some precious saints, though only time will tell. Truthfully that's what makes it a bit frustrating to have to go forward with all the remaining treatment. But I have believed for some time it might be necessary to endure the full program in order to effectively minister to others who go through this. So I will run the good race for my Lord.

I've been wondering if my tenacious clinging to life is an indication of weak faith. Why do we fight so hard to postpone our entry to heaven? It seems somehow strange. But God created me this way. Ecclesiastes 3:11 says He "set eternity" in our hearts. We have a "forever" outlook but are unable to see that transition wall, so to speak, where we cross over from our earthly lives to our heavenly ones.

It is good to think about our moment in time on earth.
When I was awaiting the diagnosis of my cancer - does she or doesn't she - I picked up a book titled "One Month to Live"(sounds like a soap opera). I asked myself, "What would I do if I knew I only had one month to live?". I found it hard to answer unless you actually have been given such news. And once I heard the word "cure" I lost the clarity of possibilities. It's pretty hard to focus on living well and dying well at the same time.

Shortly before this cancer adventure began, a lot of changes took place in my life which looking back, I realize now, were preparing me for this time. It was a difficult and painful time, but I saw God's hand burning away the dross of my life. I didn't understand at first - the importance of letting go of my plans. But He knew, for such a time as this, I would hold up better without the baggage. So I opened my hands and let go. I gave Him all of me. That was in April. Two months before my big news. Perfect timing for my perfect storm.

As I said - random thoughts.

Crisis

In the counseling training manual I am studying for my work at the Crisis Pregnancy Center, there is a depiction of two characters making up the word for "crisis" in Chinese. The first represents "danger" and the second "opportunity", literally translated "Opportunity Riding On A Dangerous Wind."

Presently there are two crises facing me, one more threatening than the other, both beyond my control. Mulling them over, I came across a devotional discussing the bible passage in Matthew 14 where Peter steps out of his boat responding to Jesus' command to "come". Rather than reaching for Jesus’ hand, he looks at the wind and begins to sink.

"You will not prevail by measuring the waves or grow strong by gauging the wind". (Streams in the Desert)

I can see I have been assessing the dangers rather than seeing the opportunities they present. And I am realizing that the only way to seize an opportunity in one hand is to have Jesus holding my other hand.

As my pastor reminded me, "Through God we will do valiantly, and it is He who shall tread down our adversaries." Psalm 108:13

Testing

"Although I have afflicted you,.....I will afflict you no more." Nahum 1:12

I have just experienced a period of testing. "Sorrows like sea billows rolled". I felt overwhelmed with the seemingly endless trials crashing over me in waves.

I remembered a time my husband almost drowned while we vacationed in Cancun. An excellent swimmer, he dove into the ocean waves and with a few confident strokes found himself caught in the convergence of two wave patterns crashing over him. Unable to catch his breath between waves, he would have drowned but for an alert life guard who rescued him.

My circumstances found me deeply humbled as familiar waters turned violent. I barely caught my breath before another trial overtook me.

As I studied the scripture 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, the "Love" chapter, God showed me areas in my life needing pruning(for who He loves, He prunes)and I glimpsed His purpose in my suffering. Once I was able to submit to His shears, I sensed a new freedom. He'd cut away a few dead and useless branches I was carrying and the fruit of hope and joy sprang forth.(John 15).

"There is a limit to our affliction. God sends it and then removes it...........who knows how soon these raging waves will give way to a sea of glass"(Streams in the Desert) ................or when God our Lifeguard will pluck us from our circumstances. But we can know that it will be once we've glorified God and given Him all praise and honor.